I am shocked and appalled at Return of Kings’ devotion to “shaming fatties.” I cannot remain silent. Like my big beautiful sisters, I shall be loud and proud in my defiance.
There are lots of insecure men out there with tiny penises. And they want to make big beautiful women feel unwanted and undesirable. They will go to any length to make curvy girls feel bad about their voracious appetite for cronuts and mimosas. They think nothing of vicious bullying the likes of which every big girl needs to be forewarned. I’ve assembled a list of some of their methods, so that big girls everywhere can be on the lookout. Take note.
1. Go Bike-Riding Together
Invite her to go for a ride by the beach, or along a scenic path several miles long. Already, the big girl will be on edge. The mere mention of exercise makes her sweat, and she may not even know how to ride a bicycle – her parents couldn’t afford the adamantium-reinforced frame required for her bulk.
You will tell her that at the end of the ride, you will treat her to a vast spread of culinary delights at the local Hometown Buffet. Start the date off at her place.
You must bring one thing: a pedal bicycle with a discreet electric motor. Initially, you’ll go at a reasonable speed, using the pedals alone. A mile or two in, she’s starting to tire – and that’s when you engage the motor. You’re still pedaling nonchalantly, yet now you’re racing far ahead of her.
As she beckons you to slow down, profess not to understand. “What? Look, I’m not even pedaling that fast [motions to half-hearted pedaling]. I can’t hear what you’re saying, come closer!”
She tries in vain to keep up, and her face turns fire truck red. The ice cream sundae bar at the buffet looms large in her mind, pushing her to trudge on. With about a block or two between you, you start to really book it, until she can no longer see you. Take a detour off the path and treat yourself to a Brazilian barbecue buffet for one, as your date furiously pedals for a feast wickedly stricken from her sausage-like digits.
2. Go For A Hike Together
Everyone says they like to hike, but no one does it voluntarily. Yet they’re anxious to keep that a secret – so if you invite them to go on a hike, they will be sure to say yes.
Invite the big girl of your choice on a hike. There are lots of big and willing girls to choose from, after all. Encourage her to wear her finest exercise attire. She will automatically bring trail mix (100% M&Ms, 0% fruits or nuts) and a jug of Sunny D, you don’t even need to ask her.
Put on sunblock before you see her. If you bring the sunblock along, she will make you rub her down in the parking lot, in front of all the avid lean hikers. It would take a whole jug of sunblock to canvass all her folds and crevices, and that means kissing eight bucks goodbye. Anyhow, I hear skin cancer is slimming.
Her trail snacks will induce a sugar rush for the duration of the hike. Just as you’re finishing the hike, her energy will subside. Tell her you have to use the bathroom, and gesticulate vaguely in some direction. Then, dart off to the parking lot and drive away. Hikes on hikes, baby!
3. Go Shopping Together
Your big date is such a beautiful girl that she deserves nothing but the finest finery. You will buy the outfit of her choosing – money is no object. She just needs to model it for you first, to ensure that everything fits just right.
Proceed to your local mall, to Abercrombie and Fitch. They usually have a chiseled male model standing outside, to welcome girls in – even if your date says she “hates” Abercrombie, she will be just giddy after getting a come-on from an attractive man. She strides in gladly.
While she’s picking out mounds of clothes, you’re texting your Tinder matches on your phone. As she proceeds to the dressing room, a loss protection officer accosts her, stopping her in her tracks. She is told to cease and desist, that she must return all of the clothes to the racks — if she tries them on, they will be permanently stretched and damaged. She can’t even buy them, lest she try to return them later in their expanded state.
As she bubbles with rage, you make a quiet exit and haul off to the luluLemon store one floor up for their free yoga class. As you cool down afterwards with the cutie at the counter, remember to silence your phone, as your date will be blowing it up, demanding you take her to Coldstone Creamery. Maybe you use sex and lifting to manage your stress, but she uses octuple sundaes. Meanwhile, you pair off with Miss Lulu to the one place in the mall where your original date will never set foot: the juice bar serving kale smoothies and pureed beets.
4. Take Her To The Zoo
You’re feeling a little young, and decide it’s time for a jaunt to the zoo. You tell your big girl date it will be great fun, and that you are going to play up your appearance as a big hairy Neanderthal. Tell her she should wear some sort of animal print to get in the spirit.
When you get to the zoo, drop her off at the entrance so that she won’t know where your car is parked. As you make your way in to the zoo with her and get settled with a big bucket of buttered popcorn.
It’s time for action. There will be lots of little kids milling about the zoo, and they are essential. When she’s not looking, take a few steps away. Locate a little kid nearby and point to your date, “do you know what kind of animal that is?” Kids are creative little fuckers, so they’ll come up with something apt. You follow up with, “I wonder what would happen if you tried to feed it. It’s probably hungry.” You give some of your popcorn to the kid, telling him “here, give it some of these.”
Dutifully, the kid trots over and throws popcorn at her back. She feels something lightly hitting her, as the scent of fake butter wafts through her nostrils, pleasing her.
By the end of the date, she is covered in small oil stains. You don’t want your Hyundai’s plush cloth seating smelling like sweaty hydrogenated oil. You take her to eat at the zoo and excuse yourself to “the bathroom,” aka to your chariot in the parking lot. Mmm, freedom.
5. Go Ice Skating Together
The perfect winter diversion. Locate a lake that has recently frozen over, where you and your date will have complete freedom. You start skating the perimeter, saying you want to warm up first. When you’re at opposite ends of the pond, beckon her to skate across, directly to you.
As she skates towards you, you feel the ice quivering underneath. You hear a crack, and she suddenly trips. Now she’s sloshing about in the water, trying to get back on land. You came prepared, thankfully, with a lifesaver. Actually, you brought a whole roll of them.
You carefully tread towards her, and create a trail of lifesavers and marshmallows in the ice-water, leading her back to solid ice. If you’re feeling romantic, clench a donut between your teeth as she gets to your feet. With her last ounce of energy, she grabs your hands and hoists herself up for a bite of that sweet Krispy Kreme, her feet dangling in the water below. You muster all your strength and carry her out.
She can’t decide what she’s more grateful for, you saving her or the donut. Regardless, she is now yours to lose for life. Enjoy your catch!
Big girls, I hope this brief guide has been a valuable tool in escaping exploitation at the hands of weak men.
Read More: Getting Arrested On The First Date
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