8 Essential Rules To Surviving The Workplace

If I won the lottery and spent the weekend flying my new personal jet around the world with bikini models while collecting rare artifacts from sites of historical interest, the Monday morning discussion with my coworkers would go like this:

“Good morning, Friend. How was your weekend?”

“It was good. I went grocery shopping, got caught up on laundry, and spent a couple of quiet days resting at home. This is going to be a busy week! Hey, did you see that email requesting feedback on…”

I have learned the hard way several times that I absolutely cannot share personal details of any kind at work. I actually came close to getting fired my second year out of college simply for giving a watered down PG-13 version of a rather tame weekend at spring break. It wasn’t the “possibly inappropriate” storytelling that nearly got me canned—it was the hatred and jealousy the story aroused in people that led them to criticize me as being “maybe a little too young and too focused on partying to give 100% to the organization, even though [my] work [hadn’t] suffered yet.”

I used quotes because those were actual quotes. And by the way, the ring leader of this witch hunt was a male coworker whose projects were not in any way shape or form connected to mine. He got all the chick coworkers gossiping about it, and one of them actually brought it up to the City Manager in a closed door meeting pertaining to something else entirely. She just kind of worked it in to the conversation and stabbed me in the back.

Red Pill wisdom is like religion: nobody cares what you think, and in their eyes, you’re wrong before you even open your mouth. My advice is to red pill proselytize all you want online or in your social circle outside of work, but in the office, keep a tight lid on it.

Here is a list of the basic DOs and DON’Ts I follow to ensure proper workplace red pill etiquette.

1. DON’T flirt at work. Even if you’re not crossing the line and even if she returns flirtatious behavior at double the rate—the minute there is a conflict on anything, you’ve lost. The conflict doesn’t have to be personal or sexual in nature—it can be anything related to your job. But again, the moment it’s you against her on any topic regardless of how severe or benign it may be, you’ve given yourself a serious handicap. It doesn’t matter if your boss is male or female; 99.9% of the time, they’re going to come down on her side if she even hints that there was a time you made her feel uncomfortable.

2. DON’T share your conquests with women or even other men—especially if those men are married. Nobody wants you to be happy, and nobody wants you to succeed unless your success is connected to theirs and does not exceed their own rate. They want you to be just like them and mirror their level of happiness or unhappiness. If you stick your head up above the crowd, someone will be there to knock it off. Any time you share anything about your conquests, you are fueling the fires of jealousy.

By the way, “conquests” refers to a new notch, that wild and crazy time you had out with your friends while your coworkers were stuck at home wishing their spouse would catch a heart attack, the new car you bought that doesn’t have a back seat for children or enough trunk space for a stroller, that last minute road trip for a microbrewery tour, and anything else that doesn’t revolve around some kid’s soccer schedule.

3. DON’T share red pill wisdom with anyone who draws a paycheck from your company. It’s not your job to save the world, it’s not your job to lift your beta coworker’s feet out of the miry clay and set them on the a solid rock of red pill wisdom, and it’s certainly not your job to make sure you’re the guy who everyone knows “gets it”—your job is to turn a profit for your employer in exchange for a paycheck without causing a disturbance on the team while manipulating the shit out of the system for personal gain. Any red pill wisdom you disseminate can and will be used against you in some form or fashion—even if it’s behind the scenes. That promotion you won’t get three years from now may be directly related to that “marriage is for chumps” comment you made two years ago at the company Christmas party—and you won’t even know it.

4. DON’T add coworkers to your social networks. I don’t care how cool they are or how tight-knit the team is you work with. If you’re living the life you should be living, your Facebook wall and twitter feed will be a liability to you at work. Stay up late one night and delete every last coworker, vendor and client from your Facebook wall, then suspend your profile for two weeks. If anybody mentions it at work, you’ll know who is just a little too interested in your private life, and you can tell them you decided to shut the whole thing down because you were tired of it. When you eventually open the account back up, your coworkers will already be deleted, so lock it down tighter than Fort Knox and use a different email so it’s not searchable by coworkers.

Facebook is dangerous as hell, and things can happen that you may never expect even if you’re not a Facebook user. The same goes for Twitter. I completely deleted my personal Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter accounts over a year ago, and I couldn’t be happier with my decision.

5. DON’T ever speak to a fat chick at work unless she’s over the age of 40 and married. Single fat chicks are wired differently, and I still haven’t figured out what the hell is going on in their minds. They hate men, they hate their skinny chick coworkers, they hate other fat chicks, and they hate themselves. Other than an absolute professional mandate which requires you to engage with a fat chick on some work related topic, don’t even say hi to her unless her workspace is so close to yours that you absolutely have to. [Note: There’s a grandma clause in there for old fat chicks who bake cookies and hand out homemade Christmas and birthday cards.]

6. DO repeatedly lie your ass off. “Why am I not married?” Sigh (followed by a distant look of introspection) “I just haven’t found the one yet. But I’m on the lookout, and as soon as I find her, I’m going to do my best to hold on to her forever. I’m really looking forward to being a father and a husband someday.”

Many of your male coworkers want to hear that just as much as your female coworkers do—EVEN the men who tell you “stay single and enjoy it!” Always validate your coworker’s life choices even if you’d rather be butt-raped by a pack of wild horses than trade lives with them.

7. DO save the Alpha for the conference room. There is only so much Alpha capital that can be spent at work before you’re labeled an asshole. If your private conversations are all red pill Alpha, you’re diminishing the amount you can display in the conference room. Don’t get wrapped up in dissing feminism or flashing your player credentials at work; save that energy and use it to get paid and promoted. Be polite and reserved on the floor, but earn a reputation for boldness in the conference room.

8. DO remember that following these rules will work so well that you’ll be tempted to ignore them. This is where I admittedly need to follow my own damn advice. Once you master the rules above, you’ll gain a reputation for being a no-nonsense professional who keeps to himself on the floor but brings bold ideas and a take-no-prisoners attitude to the conference room. Your married coworkers will accept you, the single ones will look up to you, and the fat chicks who hate everyone else will give you a hate pass because they just can’t help but admire you. When this happens, you’ll feel like its okay to loosen up a bit and socialize a little more since you’re in control. But a month or two later, *smack!* you’ll be reminded of why you followed those rules in the first place. It’ll sound a little like this:

“So, I hear you had a date on Thursday night. What’s her name? Do you like her? What does she do for a living?”

This guy is a player who doesn’t take relationships seriously. That’s why we rarely meet these girls.

“Did you really fly to Seattle last weekend to go to a concert? Man, I wish I could get away like that.”

He puts his social life ahead of work, and it takes a lot of planning to go on a trip like that. I wonder if he booked that ticket on our time? I bet he did. I bet that’s why he’s always on his cellphone. I wonder if he really had an offsite meeting on Friday? Probably not —I bet he was heading to the airport.  

“Hey, not all of us can just do whatever we want. Some of us have responsibilities at home.”

This guy has no idea what it’s like to be an adult. With such little life experience, how can we trust him to make good decisions? Will he just up and quit one day and fly off to another job? He has no stability in his life, and we don’t need that around here. He’s a good guy, but I’m not sure he’s up to the challenge.

“Jennifer? Who is Jennifer? What happened to Elizabeth?”

He’s treating women like they’re interchangeable because he’s mentioned three different women in the past few months. I have a daughter Elizabeth’s age, and I wouldn’t want her to get hooked up with a guy like him. He never seems distraught about the breakups either; I bet he treats girls like my daughter’s last asshole boyfriend treated her. What a jerk. I can’t believe I have to work with him.

“I heard from some of your concerned coworkers that you were pretty upset by the way Michelle snapped at you and I guess embarrassed you in front of everyone. But just remember that she’s under a lot of pressure, and it’s not easy for a woman to get ahead in this industry. She needs and deserves your full support on this initiative. If you have a problem with her, you should address it with her directly and not criticize her to your coworkers.”

He’s just another misogynistic asshole who can’t handle being dressed down in public by a menopausal lunatic for doing exactly what she asked him to do in the first place. Someday I too will become a menopausal lunatic ravaged by the guilt of ignoring my children and being a shitty mother in order to pursue a paycheck, and I sure as hell don’t need misogynistic men like him around to point it out.

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If you have any other workplace red pill DOs and DON’Ts you’ve picked up down through the years, please drop them in the comments section below so we can get a good list going.

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