Anonymous posed the following question in the comments section of Last one down the aisle wins part 1:
Dalrock – I understand the warning to the younger women to avoid this path, and the warning to mentors/society to quit giving this advice, but for the single women in their early thirties that have previously bought into the standard make-yourself-interesting-and-have-a-career mentality (but not the sex in the city mentality) and since realized it’s a bunch of crap, what is your suggestion to them? We could use some honest advice. I realize it’s a very unenviable position, but assuming good intentions and kind demeanor, what’s the best that can be done with what we have?
I decided to respond to this in the form of a post largely because I hope to enlist my readers in this process as well. If you have any kind wisdom to share with her, please do so. By the same token, while I normally am pretty wide open on comments I don’t want to tee her up for a series of cat food jokes. As Elusive Wapiti says, comment with honor.
My first thought is she is already ahead of her peers in both how she is considering the issue and the fact that she didn’t partake in the sex in the city mentality. My sense is that the biggest challenge women tend to face in her position is the change in attraction which can come from being with men who aren’t likely to want to marry her. While eligible men may be harder to locate and attract for a woman in her 30s than they were in her 20s, I think her ability to pair bond within her own “marriage league” is the far bigger challenge.
Finding eligible men:
As many others have already said, your first challenge will be to figure out what your priorities are in a husband so you can make the best “deal” possible. A good way to do this is list what you would trade for what. Is a good job more important than height? Is a sense of humor more important than looks? How much game would you be willing to give up for some other quality. This is true for men and women of any age looking to marry, but given the amount of focus on women in their 30s in this regard I suspect there is at least a kernel of truth to the stereotype. If you have one of those famously long “must have” lists for your future husband you probably want to do some thoughtful pruning.
Marriage checklist pruning tool.
Keep in mind that this isn’t about settling, it is about getting the most bang for your SMV buck. If you can pull a man who looks like Brad Pitt, is 6 ft 6, has perfect game and earns like Bill Gates then of course you should do so.
As for where to look, in addition to the traditional methods I would be on the lookout for men who have been as focused on their careers as you have been. Depending on your field of employment you may find your best options are right in front of you. The other group of men I would consider are men younger than you and/or men who would traditionally have been marriageable in their 20s but essentially dropped out of the dating/marriage market due to lack of interest from women their own age. Dating is generally a big ego boost and a lot of fun for women in their 20s, but unless a guy is a player dating tends to be the exact opposite for men in their 20s. Some of these guys ended up playing video games in their parent’s basement, but not all have. There have to be quite a few unclaimed eligible bachelors out there whom the right woman could coax back into the game. The trick of course is how to find them. By definition they won’t be the guys at the clubs, online dating sites, or the guy who runs day game on you. But you might bump into him in any number of public spaces nonetheless. Just don’t expect him to start the conversation and generate instant attraction and comfort. If he is marriage minded and knew how to do that, he wouldn’t be single.
Attracting men:
In addition to your physical beauty, you can also make yourself more attractive to prospective husbands by your attitude. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be better than your core competition, who are women roughly your age and of similar looks. As the old joke goes: you don’t have to beat the bear, you just have to beat the other camper. Based on what I have read from men looking for wives in their 30s or later the two key traits you can bring to the table are humility (to a degree) and a serious attitude about marriage.
Generating attraction for your prospective husband:
This seems to be the hardest part, at least for some women. Hopefully you won’t have any issue here. I think there probably are some ways a woman can tune her tastes for men even in her 30s, but I’m guessing if someone found an easy way to make large shifts here we would have already heard about it. The humility I mentioned before and a painfully honest self assessment of your SMV will probably come in handy here. Also, I suspect that following some of the old customs women and men used to follow might help some. Simple things like having him drive, order for you at a restaurant, and deferring to him in appropriate areas, etc. Basically anything which would make a good feminist cringe. But if at the end of the process you can’t fall head over heels in love with the man, my advice would be to stop there. I have a post ready to go for later this week on the same topic; it just isn’t ethical for a woman to marry a man she isn’t truly in love with and attracted to.
I hope my thoughts on this are at least somewhat helpful. The last thing I will share is even though it is more difficult in your 30s it doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. My wife and I met a couple on a cruise a few years back who were newlyweds. The wife was in her early to mid 30s and the husband was in his mid 20s. He was a bit on the husky side (in an athletic way), but was extremely smart, funny, and had excellent natural game. I think they will be very happy together. Also, a number of commenters to this site have mentioned finding and marrying the love of their lives in their 30s or later. This of course is also borne out in the census stats. A significant number of women marry in their 30s and (to a lesser degree) in their 40s and beyond.
Information on chainsaw image available on wiki commons.
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